it's my day! ÜÜ

*****

i am out at the beach and i am alone. the cold water is clawing at my ankle. the breeze is sweeping my hair. dusk is falling, so probably my mother is looking for me now. but i am oblivious to all these, including the sunset that i so love to watch. because all i see is my right fist and the grains of sand enclosed in it.

when plato said that the natural world is a copy of the ideal world, he must have meant it to be a lousy copy. for what resemblance does the real have with the ideal? for just how probable is the existence of utopia? for just how different is the paradise that everybody is working towards from the hell that this world is?

we humans have been perennially changing rules and even breaking natural laws in the quest for perfection, because change they say, is the only thing permanent in this world. but, in saying so, aren't they implying that the ideal, that one perfect state of living is actually unachievable?

there is no perfect society, no perfect success, no perfect friendship, no perfect relationship. the real is not always rational, the same way that the rational is not always real. we do have the power to alter reality, to revert the unfolding of events. but always, there comes a point when all effort is exhausted and yet the work remains unachieved. we do make our own choices but sometimes these same choices are limited. our power is finite. dreams and will do move mountains, but sometimes some dreams are but dreams that are not meant to come to be.

the only thing that is in our power is to make the best out of what we have. to cherish what is still there. to smile with gratitude at the beautiful things that life will give and to let them go freely when they have to leave. that's why they are beautiful, because they won't be staying forever.

this world's being a lousy copy actually makes it beautiful. it's being unclear and incomprehensible provides for the excitement that drives us sane in the midst of routines and more routines. had it not been for flaws, we woudn't have known what beauty is. had it not been for embarrasing experiences, we wouldn't have anything to laugh at when times get boring. and had it not been for mistakes, we wouldn't have grown as persons.

my energy is waning and i have yet other things to attend to, other priorities to take care of, and maybe other adventures to enjoy. i open my fist, bring my open palm near my mouth to whisper something to it, and start blowing at the grains of sand, grains which i may never be able to pick up again, but grains that will always remain meaningful.

*from the movie samurai banners (japan, 1969)

*****

so that's why. for the past two days i've been dreaming of death. the other night after watching mars attacks on hbo, i saw myself in an old cemetery trying to get into a pantheon, in a desperate attempt to hide from invading aliens. i forgot what my dream was last night, but i do remember that it smelled of the same thing.

i was quite disoriented, or maybe afraid, because of these morbid dreams on my birthday. i dream a lot, and i believe in my dreams, which are true most of the time.

so i thought i was going to die or somebody in my family would, but i tried to push the idea away. but just now, my brother said one of my cousins had died. it's a shock because she was so young and healthy, and i never heard reports of her being sick. second, it's the same thing again, that CANCER, that same demon who have taken so many of my relatives away.